It was awful. I can’t sleep nor eat. Today I killed a man and I have never done that before. My mind was filled with images of him in his filthy, bloodstained clothes as his body gradually hitting the ground. A vision of myself shooting him and the gun’s sound firing keeps echoing and repeating in my head just like a song stuck on repeat. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. For a moment I thought that I was losing my sanity.
When I signed up for this, it was because I needed a job. I have a wife and a daughter back in New Zealand to support. Although I already know at first before joining that killing people is a big part of this job, but still, I never thought I would have to actually kill someone. Never in my entire life, I’d thought of shooting anyone. But here I am now. Writing in this diary the things I don’t think I can ever talk about to anyone without feeling discomfort.